Po Wars
by Lord Kristine
Summary: A crossover story.
1. Chapter 1

A long time ago, in ancient China . . .

 **PO WARS**

 **Episode I: The Phantom Shenace**

Turmoil has engulfed the Masters' Council. The taxation of silk trade routes has caused a crisis on Nabeijing. The Crocodile Bandit Federation has created a blockade to do something evil. It's probably related to economics or whatever.

Two Jade-i Kung Fu masters have been sent to settle the dispute, hoping that they will not have to fight their way out of a situation in which everyone is shooting at them. Meanwhile, everyone in the Federation is preparing to shoot at them . . .

***PW***

Master Oogwon Jinn and his Pandawan, Shifu-Wan Kenobi, were led into a dark room by a a protocol duck. She smiled and gestured to a long table with her wing.

"Make yourselves at home. Fung will be with you shortly," she quacked.

Oogwon sat down. He noticed that Shifu-Wan's ears were twitching nervously.

"Something is troubling you."

Shifu-Wan fidgeted.

"I sense a sinister plot. Not here, but-"

Oogwon lifted a claw.

"Shifu-Wan, do not focus on the future."

"Master Mantis says that I must be prepared for-"

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. There is only the now."

"Yes, Master. I'm just worried that this trade dispute will escalate into something cataclysmic."

Oogwon smiled.

"Remember, Shifu-Wan, nothing is the end of the world except the end of the world. The power of Kung Fu will guide us."

Shifu-Wan nodded.

"I hope you're right."

***PW***

Unbeknownst to the Jade-i, the crocs were hatching a devious plot. They knelt in front of a scroll-ogram, which depicted a hooded figure. The stranger stepped forward, revealing an armored talon.

"What news have you brought me?" he whispered.

Fung gulped.

"Uh, there's two Jade-i Knights waiting in the conference room. One of them is a red panda."

"A PANDA?!" the figure spat, "That's impossible!"

Fung shook his paws.

"No, no, no! Not a _panda_ : a _red_ panda. They're not related to pandas at all. In fact, they're closer to raccoons than bears. Actually, pandas aren't bears either-"

"SILENCE!" the figure boomed, "Kill these Jade-i so that I may proceed with my plan. I want that treaty signed!"

Fung nodded.

"Yes, my Shenperor. It will be done."

The crocs sent their protocol duck to the conference room with tea for the Jade-i. They did not attempt to poison the beverage. Fung stated that the reason for this was that he believed the Jade-i would detect the ruse, but really, he was just kind of dumb. That may have been why he ordered his minions to blow up the Jade-i ship instead of assassinating the obvious threat that was in no position to fight back. He then pumped the conference room full of poisonous gas, which would take a very, very long time to kill the two guests. After about thirty seconds, he gave a crocodilian smile and tented his fingers.

"They must be dead by now. Destroy what's left of them."

The door operator blinked.

"Uh . . . Are you sure you don't want to wait a few minutes?"

"Why?"

"Well, they might be holding their breath or something."

"But we waited thirty seconds."

The door operator laced his claws together.

"I'm not trying to cramp your style or anything, but wouldn't it be better to make sure they're dead? What if they can hold their breath for a long time?"

"They aren't _dolphins_!"

"Yeah, but some people train in static apnea, so they can hold their breath for-"

"STOP QUESTIONING MY LEADERSHIP AND OPEN THE DOOR!"

The operator nodded. He opened the entrance, to reveal . . . nothing.

"WHAT?!" Fung shouted.

He peeked into the room. There was a hole in the wall opposite them.

"Oh, no! They got out!" Fung gasped, "In hindsight, I probably should have known that they'd Kung Fu their way through the wall instead of, you know, just waiting to die . . . I'd also like to point out that opening the door early gave us a chance to discover their escape, which was my plan the whole time."

A crocodile with machinery in her mouth rounded the corner.

"Sir! Dey've gone up da ventilation shaft!"

Fung gasped.

"This is terrib- Uh, I mean . . . I planned for this all along. Send our ducks down to the planet."

"But we're miles away from the city-"

"THEY CAN WALK."

"What if the Jade-i are on one of the cargo ships?"

Fung laughed.

"Oh, please! What are the odds of that?"

Meanwhile, on a cargo ship, Oogwon Jinn and Shifu-Wan were spying on a group of ducks who were preparing to land in a dense forest.

"Master, where are they going?" Shifu-Wan whispered.

"To invade the planet. Princess Panmidala and her men are no match for their army."

Shifu-Wan looked down with a furrowed brow.

"Should we follow them?"

Oogwon nodded.

"Perhaps. If we land on the planet, help will come."

"How can you be certain?"

"The power of Kung Fu will guide us."

"Is that your excuse for everything?"

Oogwon smiled and put his hand on Shifu-Wan's shoulder.

"Yes."


	2. Chapter 2

On the planet of Nabeijing, several tree-cutting machines were leveling the forest that lay in their path. The process consumed time and energy, but Fung refused to recall the vehicles in order to park them closer to the capital city because he was determined to prove that his battle plan was intentional. This gave Oogwon and Shifu-Wan the advantage, because they could outrun the army if they were able to find a transport of some kind. Luckily for them (or perhaps not), a portly pig was struggling to escape the machines of doom. Oogwon promptly tackled him, pushing him out of harm's way. When he stood up, panting heavily, he held up his hoof.

"Thank you . . . for rescuing me . . . Those things . . . move really fast."

Oogwon glanced at the vehicles. They were being passed by snails. Shifu-Wan flattened his ears angrily.

"Are you honestly telling me that you couldn't get away in time?!" he snapped.

The pig bent over, still panting.

"Look, buddy, I have a thyroid condition. Don't look it up. It's rare."

He pulled a tissue out of his pants and wiped his sweaty chest. Shifu-Wan put his hand over his mouth and dry-heaved.

"Name's Ke Pa Binks," the swine huffed, "I'm from the city of Pigga-"

He fell over.

"Geez, they say that pigs can't sweat, but I'm dripping buckets . . ."

Shifu-Wan plugged his nose.

"Can you take us to this city of yours?"

The pig grunted.

"Can't. I'm banished."

"Why?"

"I'm secretly an evil dra- Um, I mean . . . I'm clumsy."

Shifu-Wan's ear twitched.

"What were you about to say?"

"Huh?"

"You said 'I'm secretly an evil dra-' and then you cut off. What were you about to say?"

Oogwon laughed and put his hand on Shifu-Wan's shoulder.

"Shifu-Wan, do not judge this pig. I'm sure he means us no harm."

"But he said he was an evil-"

"The Universe has brought us an ally."

Shifu-Wan held out his paws in disbelief.

"He's a fat pig who couldn't outrun a hunk of junk truck! We bumped into him by accident!"

"There are no accidents," Oogwon said wisely.

Ke Pa lifted his hoof.

"And I'm not fat. I have big bones."

Oogwon helped him to his feet.

"Lead us to your city. We must acquire a transport."

The pig gulped.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Oogwon smiled.

"Ideas are ideas. There is no good or bad."

Shifu-Wan grumbled bitterly.

"This _definitely_ qualifies as a bad idea."

***PW***

Meanwhile, on the crocodile ship, the hologram was attempting to explain politics to Fung . . . for the fifteenth time. The croc's eyelids were drooping, and he was struggling to keep himself from falling over.

"-and when the Queen signs the treaty, the invasion will be legal, giving us an opportunity to- ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!"

Fung snorted and sat up straight.

"What? Who? Oh- Oh, yes! I'm listening. I'm listening _real_ hard. I understand completely."

The hooded figure sneered.

"Repeat it back to me."

Fung scratched his neck.

"Uh . . ."

"Fool! How am I supposed to conquer Space-China if you can't even follow my most basic instructions?!"

"Politics is hard," Fung whined, "This whole treaty thing is really, really boring. Can't we just punch the Jade-i in the face or something?"

The figure leaned forward. A beak slid out from underneath the hood of his cloak.

"You can follow my orders, or you can die."

Fung tugged on his collar.

"Uh, okay, Master. I'll just do whatever you say."

The hologram pulled back.

"Don't disappoint me. Space-China _will_ be mine."


	3. Chapter 3

It was no trouble rescuing the queen from the occupied city. The ducks set to guard her were not skilled in the art of Kung Fu, so Oogwon and Shifu-Wan defeated them without a hassle. They escaped on a ship with Ke-Pa and the queen, but their troubles were not over yet. A large blockade of crocodile ships circled the planet, and the pathetic, rented ship of the Jade-i was soon under heavy fire.

 _PEWPEWPEW!_

Beams of light hit the side of the vessel and dissolved on impact. No one was worried until one very well-aimed beam struck the base of the ship, making it tremble.

"They've hit the shield generator!" Shifu-Wan cried.

"How is that possible?" Panmidala gasped, "Isn't the whole point of a shield to protect the ship, including the shield generator which is presumably inside the vehicle itself?"

Shifu-Wan slapped her.

"Don't try to bring logic into this. This is Po Wars, not Star Shrek!"

Panmidala grabbed Oogwon and started to shake him in panic.

"We're all gonna die!"

Oogwon put his claws on her shoulder with a calm smile.

"We'll be fine. The duck droids are repairing the ship as we speak."

A gazelle rounded the corner, his hooves tapping the metal floor in an anxious scurry.

"We're losing ducks. Fast."

Oogwon blinked and licked his lips.

"Well, I'm sure most of us will make it through, anyway."

They spun the ship to avoid the sizzling beams of energy, but their maneuver did not prove successful. Luckily, one of the droids repaired the shield generator, and everything was fine for some reason. He scuttled into the hull of the ship when the danger had passed and saluted the crew.

"Beep boop beep."

Shifu-Wan narrowed his eyes.

"I thought Master Mantis was with the Jade-i."

"He got recast," Oogwon said.

"Yeah, I'm R2-Mantis," he explained, "I don't understand why I can't be Yoda. I'm small, green-"

Oogwon put his claw over the droid's mouth.

"Shhh . . . robots don't talk."


	4. Chapter 4

The ship's hyperdrive had apparently been damaged in the kerfuffle, and the gang was forced to stop on the planet Kungfuine. Shifu-Wan and Oogwon parted ways for the time being, the latter bringing Ke-Pa and a few others to a parts dealer. The grimy loris greeted them with a shifty smile, rubbing his paws together greedily.

"I'm Tong Fotto. How may I help you?"

Oogwon smiled.

"We are looking for a part."

"And how will you be paying?"

"Credits."

"I won't accept them, fool."

Oogwon licked his lips.

"Credits will do fine."

"No, they won't. Whaddya think you're a Jade-i or something? Mind games don't work on lorises . . . for some reason."

A little panda waddled into the shop. Oogwon bent down and smiled.

"Well, hello there. Are you-"

"I'm Li Shanakin! I'm a panda!"

Ke-Pa covered his ears.

"Oh my god. This kid hasn't even said three sentences, and he's already too annoying for me."

Shanakin frowned.

"Fine talk, coming from a pig!"

Oogwon held up a claw.

"Do not fight. There are more pressing matters."

"I'll say!" Shanakin barked, "There's a sandstorm coming! Don't worry, you can stay with me. I'll introduce you to my new droid."

***PW***

They followed Shanakin home, and he showed them a barely-complete protocol bird. When he turned it on, the avian spoke.

"I'm Crane-3PO!"

Mantis' antenna twitched.

"Wow. And I thought Ke-Pa was prissy."


	5. Chapter 5

Suddenly, and without warning, the series was cancelled. All future iterations of the FanFiction, including Attack of the Wolves, Revenge of the Shen, A New Po, The Shenpire Strikes Back, Return of the Jade-i, and the Chi Awakens would never exist. The characters of Monkey Solo, Darth Lung, Tigrey, Uncle Ping, Princess Meia, Soothsayoda, Rhino Calrissian, Ox Windu, and many others would never have their stories told, but that's okay. Instead of reading a crossover FanFiction between Star Wars and Kung Fu Panda, everyone who had stumbled upon the story could go outside and play.

Anything is better than this.

At least the author had the good sense to stop, a skill that George Lucas clearly lacked.

 **The End**


End file.
